It was Tim’s 13th birthday and he had invited 5 of his friends around to go paint balling. They started the long drive to the paint ball field and when they arrived a man told them to put the overalls on and explained how to play paint ball. The chosen game was called capture the flag. Once they had loaded the guns they started to play. Later in the game as Tim turned the corner he grabbed the flag and won them the game. When the game finished and when they were packed up and ready to go they got in the car with a couple of bruises but overall it was a good day for Tim and his friends.By Jordan
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Jordan - the birthday
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Hi Jordan. Great to see that you are in NZ, yay! Most of the blogs I read are international. I see that you are a year 8 so this writing could be from personal paint balling experience perhaps?
ReplyDeleteI note firstly that you have used 120 words - not breaking rules too much, but I think your writing contains unnecessary words. If you read it aloud you might hear that there are some 'ands' and 'whens' that you could shed (edit out.)
Listen to yourself reading this sentence too - 'Later in the game as Tim turned the corner he grabbed the flag and won them the game.' Can you hear where you might use a comma in here?
Thanks for sharing your work this week.
Jackie
New Plymouth
New Zealand